Heart Space

Why Do We Need Negative Emotions?

May 2, 2016 by Carna Zacharias-Miller 1 Comment

Fantasy landscape in the forest with stairs

For some reason, the word “spiritual” has become synonymous with “good”, “light”, and “positive”. However, there isn’t a great spiritual teacher, master, or saint who has not encountered utmost darkness on their spiritual journey.

Being spiritual means becoming whole, means breaking through illusion and self-righteousness. That does not mean hating yourself. It means looking at yourself with complete clarity and honesty – and learning to love all of you. If you have experienced moments like that, you know how immensely empowering this is.

From the perspective of our immortal Soul, there is only one thing that counts: consciousness, the never-ending expansion of consciousness. Our emotions – all of them!- are a valuable guidance system. If we listen and observe what emotions and feelings are coming up for us while resisting to blame “the other” for them, we gain valuable insights and can take steps towards healing.

Looking at emotions that way, they are -all of them!- gifts on our spiritual journey.

How bad are you really? What lurks in the dark corners of your mind? You will be surprised and rewarded when you actually go there…

This is not just about upwelling feelings of anger, fear, frustration and the like. I am also thinking of longstanding, deep-seated, real nasty stuff. Here are some modified examples from my EFT practice in order to protect privacy:

– I hate the fact that my ex-husband married this bimbo. After all these years, I still look for every sign of their marriage breaking apart, and I wish that they suffer until the end of their days.

– I am so jealous that my friend got pregnant instantly, and I have been trying for years and failed. I heard that miscarriages are quite common within the first three months.

– A part of me is greedily waiting for my old uncle to die, so I can get my inheritance.

Now, what do we do with that? On a low level of consciousness, we split our dark side completely off and project it onto other people. That is how hatred and wars get started. On a little higher level, we have a hunch that this is our own stuff, so we don’t act it out, but we push these ugly thoughs deep down and skip away, humming a merry tune. On a high level, we allow ourselves to be completely aware of these thoughts and feelings and own them without any excuses.

On the highest level, we are grounded in this awareness and actively use our emotions as stepping stones or lessons on our spiritual journey.

This is the true start of our sacred quest for love.

What Does Your Heart Really Want?

April 16, 2016 by Carna Zacharias-Miller Leave a Comment

We all experience severe heart break at some time in our lives. For many it happens in childhood or adolescence, the time when we are most vulnerable. Rejection and abandonment by the mother, an absent father, being different in any way from our peers and ostracized for it – these are some of the reasons for the early feeling that something is wrong, inadequate and utterly disappointing about us. For others, it happens later, when a spouse betrays our love and trust, a child is hurt, or our dream of making it big in the world is shattered.

It happens -sooner or later- to everybody, yet strangely enough, we tend to believe that other people have heaps of money, great careers, excellent health, and are blessed with devoted spouses and perfect children. Even if common sense tells us that this isn’t true, we behave as if it were. We hide behind our painted faces and empty phrases, as if our wounded heart was a rare, shameful thing that had to be hidden at all costs.

Even if we are the light of every party, our real self never shows up. We withdraw and disconnect while telling pretty lies in appearance, word and deed. Thus our hearts shrink and harden, and we live lonesome, inauthentic lives deep within the fortress we have built from pride and fear.

From this point on, two things can happen: either we become depressed or cynical enough to believe that staying in this barren place and turning into dust is our only option, or we listen to the cries of our exiled hearts and become seekers. If you belonged to the first group, you would not be reading this article. So let’s start the search for our true selves. In the following imaginative exercise, you will begin to restore the lost connection to your heart. You may feel some resistance reading these words. Won’t this lead to an emotional breakdown, or to an eruption of pain and anger? It depends on your intention.

What we want to achieve here is to find and free our spiritual hearts. There is the heart, and there is the true heart. There is our “pink” heart, and there is our “golden” heart. There is our low heart, and there is our high heart.

Qualities of the low heart: Passion, Extremes, Volatility, Attachment, Emotion.

Qualities of the high heart: Compassion, Balance, Patience, Unity, Spirit, Soul.

Again, our intention is to connect to the high, the spiritual heart. This may happen instantly, at the first try. If it does, it is a profound, awe-inspiring experience, and you will recognize the level of truth instantly. You will realize that there is, behind your physically sick or emotionally broken heart, a heart that is completely whole and strong and wise. However, establishing this pathway could be a much longer process. You might connect to “pieces” of your heart at a time. Perhaps you will first experience an acute awareness of your heart’s imprisonment, or your inner space may remain silent for a while. Take it easy. Whatever happens is just the right thing to happen for you at this point.

EXERCISE: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART

Sit or lie down comfortably, making sure you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes. Breathe. Relax. If relaxation does not come easily to you, visualize a thick, golden liquid pooling in your head. Slowly, slowly, like molasses, it flows down into your whole body, making it slack and heavy.

When you feel relaxed, shift your attention to your chest. Imagine breathing through your chest. In-out. In-out. In-out. Do this as long as you want to. When you are ready, focus your attention gently on your heart. Your high heart, your true heart, your spiritual heart.

Now, and possibly for the first time, greet your true heart. Express your gratitude for its continuous, life giving service, its protection and guidance.

When you have established a connection, you might want to ask questions. Then be quiet and listen.

Listen to the voice of your heart. This voice might express itself in words, in feelings, in images, in sounds, or just as a “knowing”. Learning to recognize the unique voice of your heart may take time, so relax if you can’t “get it right” at first.

The Painful Feeling of “I Don’t Belong”

April 15, 2016 by Carna Zacharias-Miller Leave a Comment

Here are some thoughts about the feeling “I don’t belong anywhere, and it hurts so much” that many of us have.

Where does this feeling of not belonging come from?

We all feel that way under certain circumstances. However, if it is a very painful feeling that comes up again and again, if it is the theme of one’s life, then it originates in childhood (and, possibly, past lives).

It is often mixed with other emotions, like loneliness, deep sadness, feeling different, “what’s wrong with me”, and abandonment and rejection. As we know, it is a basic need for children to belong, to have a safe place, to be at least validated if not cherished.

There are several childhood scenarios that bring up this ongoing, basic feeling.

Definitely a “missing mother”, which is a mother who was very sick or died, or, more common, a mother who was emotionally not connected to the child. If we don’t belong to our mother, who do we belong to? An absent father who is physically or emotionally not a secure part of a child’s life can have that effect too.

If we did not have a safe, secure place as a child and at least one adult person who gave us that feeling of belonging, we will have this constant yearning to belong somewhere, with someone.

How does it play out in adult life?

In many ways, and all of them are painful and difficult to handle. There are two extremes: We are constantly looking for that place or person that gives us a feeling of belonging, we are needy and a people pleaser. Separation of any kind, like a divorce, the death of a parent, or a job loss is very hard on us, and we are re-traumatized when that happens.

The other extreme is never allowing ourselves to attach to any person or place and always defending our so-called independence, which is no emotional freedom at all. We roam from place to place, from person to person, never finding inner peace.

What is the difference between fitting in and belonging?

We force ourselves to fit in where we don’t belong. It’s the round peg in the square hole, or the swan trying to be a duck. Belonging is natural and organic. It supports who we truly are.

How do we know that we belong, and can we learn to belong?

When that happens with a place or person, or a group of people, we just know. All of a sudden, there appears the right man, woman, child or group, the right spiritual path, or the kind of work that makes us happy. We know when it is just right for us. (“I was born to do this/to belong to this family/ to be at this place/to follow this path”). Like the Ugly Duckling who finally found his people, the swans.

How do we get there? Mostly by trial and error, that is why this feeling is especially painful when we are young. However, we have to be able to learn from our -painful- experiences. It takes awareness and courage. Out of that flows the right action.

Is there an upside, a hidden treasure to this very painful issue?

That is the whole point of my work. Because it is so very painful, we can’t ignore it. The first rule is to avoid being self-destructive, or at least being aware of it. Like numbing ourselves with food or substances, playing out big emotional dramas that hurt our relationships, or even stay in abusive situations.

The very best way to handle this is to go on a spiritual journey. Finding out want we really want in life, who we really are, what people and places are good and supportive for us. At the end, we’ll find out that there is no separation. We are all one and belong to each other and to Source.

Building an Inner Sanctuary

April 15, 2016 by Carna Zacharias-Miller Leave a Comment

Road through a mysterious dark forest in fog with green leaves and yellow flowers. Spring morning in Crimea. Magical atmosphere. Fairytale

Building an inner sanctuary, a safe space where we can retreat in challenging times, is very helpful. It restores emotional balance and peace of mind. Find out what kind of imaginary environment is right for you.

We all need an inner retreat, a place within where we can go when we are longing for safety, peace, or emotional renewal. It is helpful to build (imagine) this space before we really need it, so we know where to go in times of emotional turmoil.

Let me help you with this little quiz to find the environment that is exactly right for you.

What describes you best?

a) You don’t like “too much” of any kind. That includes clutter, noise, chatter, people, thoughts, and actions. “Too much” drains you. You prefer “nothing”, and you would describe yourself as hypersensitive.

b) You feel unsafe, lost, and thrown into a dangerous world. You love touch and closeness, and you long for being held and contained. You need protection, and you like gentle, but clearly defined boundaries around you.

c) You are stuck in a daily routine; you feel exhausted, tired, bored, and colorless. What you are craving is renewal, a source of fresh, vibrant energy, something that moves and makes you feel alive again.

d) You feel like sitting in a cage with clipped wings. Your life is nice and comfortable, but there is something important missing: You want to be free; you want to know who you really are and what you can achieve, even if that means a less secure existence.

e) You are in constant emotional turmoil, feeling overwhelmed, angry, panicky, and whatever else makes your life miserable. High energy all the time, but it is of the negative and destructive kind. All you want is sanity and calmness.

Here are suggestions for an inner sanctuary:

If you are a)
A still pond in the middle of endless, golden grassland; a single, small tree, and a wooden bench. You are sitting on this bench, looking into the pond. There is a sense of utter peace and contentment around you.

If you are b)
A cozy cave in the hills, padded with soft moss. When you are safely tucked away in there, you can see the opening. Outside the cave is a guard at all times, for example an angel, a strong animal, or a person you trust completely.

If you are c)
You are standing in an emerald green pool under a giant, roaring waterfall. The water gushes down on you, taking your breath away. A herd of wild horses is galloping by.

If you are d)
You are standing on the grassy top of a high mountain, looking over the whole mountain range. There is an eagle right above you in the sapphire blue sky, dancing in the breeze. You feel strong and free.

If you are e)
You are resting in a hammock or very comfortable lounger in your secret garden. It is surrounded by natural stone walls that are covered with wild, pink roses. Their delicate scent is soothing. You hear the trickling of a little fountain. It is so very quiet and peaceful.

Customize your place until it feels just right for you. Go there often. (And, of course, you can have more than one).